I re-read Alice Miller’s latest groundbreaking book THE BODY NEVER LIES. I have come to the conclusion that forgiveness without the abuser or person who’s hurt you’s full acceptance and owning of what they did and making amends – isn’t possible for me.
Doesn’t mean I stay hurt and angry or have no peace of mind – I am simply not able to forgive. I have come to understand that some things simply are not forgiveable. And that forgiving certain things negates my dignity and right to my own feelings.
As my friend, the late Kathy Krajco said "you can’t forgive a crime in progress." That is to say, if the abuser hasn’t even tried to communicate with me and sincerely & fully apologized — the crime is STILL in progress.
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I remember once seeing a cartoon that showed a father examining his young son’s report card, which was filled with Ds and Fs. As the father scowled, the boy asked: "What do you think it is, Dad, heredity or environment?" Over and above heredity and environment, Judaism insists on a third factor that influences human behavior: the soul. The notion of a soul, possessed of free will, explains why two brothers can be born to the same parents, and raised in the same environment, yet one ends up a criminal and the other a fully responsible individual, sometimes even a saint. It is also the soul that makes possible a person’s ability to repent.
Most Jews associate repentance with the High Holy Days. The ten-day period from the start of Rosh ha-Shana to the end of Yom Kippur is known as Aseret Y’mai Teshuva, the Ten Days of Repentance. However, attendance at synagogue on these days, even when accompanied by sincere repentance, only wins forgiveness for offenses committed against God.
As the Talmud teaches: "The Day of Atonement atones for sins against God, not for sins against man, unless the injured party has been appeased" (Mishna Yoma 8:9).
In Simon Wiesenthal’s The Sunflower, written in 1976, there is an autobiographical account of an incident involving an acute ethical dilemma from the Viennese Nazihunter’s own life. Late in the war, when Wiesenthal was a prisoner in a Nazi concentration camp, he was plucked one morning from his work detail by a nurse and taken to the bedside of a dying Nazi soldier. The soldier proceeded to tell Wiesenthal much of his life story; most significantly, that though he had been raised as a Catholic altar boy, he had later joined the SS. During the invasion of Poland, he had rounded up Jews: In one town, he had herded the local Jewish community into a building, which was then set on fire.
Now that he had spent days lying in bed waiting to die, he realized the awful thing he had done and needed to know that a Jew forgave him. Wiesenthal remained silent and left the room. Thirty years later, he sent his account of the incident to leading Jewish and Christian figures, and asked them: "Was I right in not forgiving this repentant Nazi?" With few exceptions, the Christian respondents said that he should have done so. As Gustave Heinemann, the former German minister of justice, put it: "Justice and Law, however essential they are, cannot exist without forgiveness. That is the quality that Jesus Christ added to justice." Likewise, almost without exception, the Jewish respondents argued that he could not forgive the Nazi. The only ones empowered to grant forgiveness were the victims, which is why in this case forgiveness was literally a "dead issue."
In the case of almost all other sins, fortunately there is room for repentance. However, there are at least two common offenses, defrauding the public and damaging another person’s good name, in which the damage inflicted comes dangerously close to being irrevocable. In the first instance, it is nearly impossible to locate and compensate every individual who has been defrauded; in the second, it is equally difficult to find every person who has heard and accepted an ugly rumor (see Lashon ha-Ra). The point is not to demoralize would-be penitents, but to underscore how cautious people must be before committing acts that have irrevocable consequences.As American humorist Josh Billings wrote: "It is much easier to repent of sins that we have committed than to repent of those we intend to commit."
Jewish tradition holds that teshuva consists of several stages: The sinner must recognize his sin, feel sincere remorse, undo any damage he has done and pacify the victim of his offense, and resolve never to commit the sin again.
Jewish law also offers some guidelines to the victim of the sin. In the normal order of events, if the offender sincerely requests forgiveness, the victim is required to grant it-certainly by the third request. Withholding forgiveness is considered cruel and is itself a sin.
Concerning offenses committed against God, a characteristic Jewish teaching is that of Rabbi Bunam of Pzsyha, who once asked his disciples: "How can you tell when a sin you have committed has been pardoned? His disciples gave various answers but none of them pleased the rabbi. "We can tell," he said, "by the fact that we no longer commit that sin."
When to Repent
Rabbi Eliezer said: "Repent one day before your death."
His disciples asked him, "Does then one know on what day he will die?"
"All the more reason he should repent today, lest he die tomorrow" (Shabbat 153a).
Two guides to Repenting
"The repentant sinner should strive to do good with the same faculties with which he sinned…. With whatever part of the body he sinned, he should now engage in good deeds. If his feet had run to sin, let them now run to the performance of the good. If his mouth had spoken falsehood, let it now be opened in wisdom. Violent hands should now open in charity…. The troublemaker should now become a peacemaker" (Rabbi Jonah Gerondi, thirteenth century).
"It is told that once there was a wicked man who committed all kinds of sins. One day he asked a wise man to teach him an easy way to repent, and the latter said to him: ‘Refrain from telling lies.’ He went forth happily, thinking that he could follow the wise man’s advice, and still go on as before. When he decided to steal, as had been his custom, he reflected: ‘What will I do in case somebody asks me, "Where are you going?" If I tell the truth, "To steal," I shall be arrested. If I tell a lie, I shall be violating the command of this wise man.’ In the same manner he reflected on all other sins, until he repented with a perfect repentance" (Rabbi Judah ben Asher, fourteenth century).
Maimonides on Repentance
"What constitutes complete repentance? He who is confronted by the identical situation wherein he previously sinned and it lies within his power to commit the sin again, but he nevertheless does not succumb because he wishes to repent, and not because he is too fearful or weak [to repeat the sin]. How so? If he had relations with a woman forbidden to him and he is subsequently alone with her, still in the throes of his passion for her, and his virility is unabated, and [they are] in the same place where they previously sinned; if he abstains and does not sin, this is a true penitent" (Mishneh Torah, "Laws of Teshuva," 2:1).
The friend to which I was speaking to this about, both he & I have been raised in a dysfunctional family where we often found ourselves to be the brunt of both verbal & physical abuse. Back then, no one ever talked about it & it appeared to be acceptable as well as the norm. Well, nowadays, it is most definitely not acceptable by any means & both he & I have broken out of the vicious cycle and are striving to lead a non-violent & non-abusive lifestyle. As for the rest of our family members & how they choose to behave & conduct themselves, that is their choice to make & to live with, and we in no way condone their actions. I hope by us leading a happy & harmonious lifestyle, perhaps we can eventually be good role models for people to look up to. I’m hoping that some day the time will come for that before I reach the end of this life – and if I can do this for people, I will be satisfied.
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without having any personal gain by it. And that’s why people should value when someone cares about them enough to acknowledge them & be there for them. We can’t force people to do this. They can only do it of their own volition. 
thelightningphoenix 