Archive | October, 2010

Repentance & Repenting

19 Oct
 
Even though I am not Jewish, the following article that was posted in Barbara’s Tchatzkahs around the middle of Sept. 2010 strikes very close to home with me in regards to not being able to forgive people who keep repeating the same mistakes. Some people I have come to know like the back of my hand & whom I do not trust because of their inability to feel remorse for their damaging actions let alone apologize for them, I have forgiven anyway then opened my door in friendship to them, only to sit back & ‘predictably’ be disrespected & abused by them within 24 hours, believe it or not! It’s really a shame how these very same people walk around seemingly in a daze acting like they did nothing wrong then galavant to & fro, visiting people, acting all friendly-like & angelic, but have never really taken the time to meditate over how much hurt they’ve caused for others & how they’ve never made a serious effort to correct their wrongs. Perhaps this article will shed some light as to how I myself feel about forgiving certain people, for ‘good’, while also pointing out to those abusers out there whose names I will not mention here (for you all know who you are, I’m sure) the error of their ways & how they should go about becoming good people again.
 

 I re-read Alice Miller’s latest groundbreaking book THE BODY NEVER LIES. I have come to the conclusion that forgiveness without the abuser or person who’s hurt you’s full acceptance and owning  of what they did and making amends – isn’t possible for me. 


Doesn’t mean I stay hurt and angry or have no peace of mind – I am simply not able to forgive. I have come to understand that some things simply are not forgiveable. And that forgiving certain things negates my dignity and right to my own feelings.

As my friend, the late Kathy Krajco said "you can’t forgive a crime in progress." That is to say, if the abuser hasn’t even tried to communicate with me and sincerely & fully apologized — the crime is STILL in progress.

~~~~

I remember once seeing a cartoon that showed a father examining his young son’s report card, which was filled with Ds and Fs. As the father scowled, the boy asked: "What do you think it is, Dad, heredity or environment?" Over and above heredity and environment, Judaism insists on a third factor that influences human behavior: the soul. The notion of a soul, possessed of free will, explains why two brothers can be born to the same parents, and raised in the same environment, yet one ends up a criminal and the other a fully responsible individual, sometimes even a saint. It is also the soul that makes possible a person’s ability to repent.

Most Jews associate repentance with the High Holy Days. The ten-day period from the start of Rosh ha-Shana to the end of Yom Kippur is known as Aseret Y’mai Teshuva, the Ten Days of Repentance. However, attendance at synagogue on these days, even when accompanied by sincere repentance, only wins forgiveness for offenses committed against God.

As the Talmud teaches: "The Day of Atonement atones for sins against God, not for sins against man, unless the injured party has been appeased" (Mishna Yoma 8:9).

That last clause, "unless the injured party has been appeased," suggests that for at least one crime, murder, there can be no complete repentance, since there is no way to appease the injured party. This distinctively Jewish belief separates most Jewish thinkers from their Christian counterparts.

In Simon Wiesenthal’s The Sunflower, written in 1976, there is an autobiographical account of an incident involving an acute ethical dilemma from the Viennese Nazi­hunter’s own life. Late in the war, when Wiesenthal was a prisoner in a Nazi concentration camp, he was plucked one morning from his work detail by a nurse and taken to the bedside of a dying Nazi soldier. The soldier proceeded to tell Wiesenthal much of his life story; most significantly, that though he had been raised as a Catholic altar boy, he had later joined the SS. During the invasion of Poland, he had rounded up Jews: In one town, he had herded the local Jewish community into a building, which was then set on fire.

Now that he had spent days lying in bed waiting to die, he realized the awful thing he had done and needed to know that a Jew forgave him. Wiesenthal remained silent and left the room. Thirty years later, he sent his account of the incident to leading Jewish and Christian figures, and asked them: "Was I right in not forgiving this repentant Nazi?" With few exceptions, the Christian respondents said that he should have done so. As Gustave Heinemann, the former German minister of justice, put it: "Justice and Law, however essential they are, cannot exist without forgiveness. That is the quality that Jesus Christ added to justice." Likewise, almost without exception, the Jewish respondents argued that he could not forgive the Nazi. The only ones empowered to grant forgiveness were the victims, which is why in this case forgiveness was literally a "dead issue."

In the case of almost all other sins, fortunately there is room for repentance. However, there are at least two common offenses, defrauding the public and damaging another person’s good name, in which the damage inflicted comes dangerously close to being irrevocable. In the first instance, it is nearly impossible to locate and compensate every individual who has been defrauded; in the second, it is equally difficult to find every person who has heard and accepted an ugly rumor (see Lashon ha-Ra). The point is not to demoralize would-­be penitents, but to underscore how cautious people must be before committing acts that have irrevocable consequences.

As American humorist Josh Billings wrote: "It is much easier to repent of sins that we have committed than to repent of those we intend to commit."

Jewish tradition holds that teshuva consists of several stages: The sinner must recognize his sin, feel sincere remorse, undo any damage he has done and pacify the victim of his offense, and resolve never to commit the sin again.

Jewish law also offers some guidelines to the victim of the sin. In the normal order of events, if the offender sincerely requests forgiveness, the victim is required to grant it-certainly by the third request. Withholding forgiveness is considered cruel and is itself a sin.

Concerning offenses committed against God, a characteristic Jewish teaching is that of Rabbi Bunam of Pzsyha, who once asked his disciples: "How can you tell when a sin you have committed has been pardoned? His disciples gave various answers but none of them pleased the rabbi. "We can tell," he said, "by the fact that we no longer commit that sin."

SOME JEWISH TEACHINGS ON REPENTANCE

When to Repent

Rabbi Eliezer said: "Repent one day before your death."

His disciples asked him, "Does then one know on what day he will die?"

"All the more reason he should repent today, lest he die tomorrow" (Shabbat 153a).

Two guides to Repenting

"The repentant sinner should strive to do good with the same faculties with which he sinned…. With whatever part of the body he sinned, he should now engage in good deeds. If his feet had run to sin, let them now run to the performance of the good. If his mouth had spoken falsehood, let it now be opened in wisdom. Violent hands should now open in charity…. The trouble­maker should now become a peacemaker" (Rabbi Jonah Gerondi, thirteenth century).

"It is told that once there was a wicked man who committed all kinds of sins. One day he asked a wise man to teach him an easy way to repent, and the latter said to him: ‘Refrain from telling lies.’ He went forth happily, thinking that he could follow the wise man’s advice, and still go on as before. When he decided to steal, as had been his custom, he reflected: ‘What will I do in case somebody asks me, "Where are you going?" If I tell the truth, "To steal," I shall be arrested. If I tell a lie, I shall be violating the command of this wise man.’ In the same manner he reflected on all other sins, until he repented with a perfect repentance" (Rabbi Judah ben Asher, fourteenth century).

Maimonides on Repentance

"What constitutes complete repentance? He who is confronted by the identical situation wherein he previously sinned and it lies within his power to commit the sin again, but he nevertheless does not succumb because he wishes to repent, and not because he is too fearful or weak [to repeat the sin]. How so? If he had relations with a woman forbidden to him and he is subsequently alone with her, still in the throes of his passion for her, and his virility is unabated, and [they are] in the same place where they previously sinned; if he abstains and does not sin, this is a true penitent" (Mishneh Torah, "Laws of Teshuva," 2:1).

 

Some People Can Be So Clueless

17 Oct
 
I was sitting, watching my friend chipping away at the oldest profession in history & discussing how it’s been the norm in both of our families to be abusive toward their children. Mainly, what got me into talking about this topic is how it’s now the middle of October & this is domestic violence month, and also how I keep feeling an awful tingling feeling coming from the area of my cheek where a very abusive man split my face open less than a decade ago, sending me flying off my feet & landing with my chest against a corner of a wall that was jutting out. It’s probably because this happened to me at around this time of year, that I feel so creeped out about this topic, & it could be some kind of a subliminal thing.
 
But getting back to the topic of what I’d like to speak about & have been reading about again in the past week in the book called Bradshaw On: The Family (which discusses dysfunctional family systems in great detail), I was astounded to find out that it’s taken certain members of my own family over half a century, never mind decades (or 40 years, or so the book says it takes people to snap out of it) to realize that it is wrong to be abusive toward people – and that includes hitting children & woman (or even anyone, for that matter) or being verbally abusive toward them – and that includes name-calling & belittling as well… plus the added favourite type of abuse I’ve been hearing about as of late and that is gay bashing, which has been causing a lot of terribly suffering people (including very young adults & teenagers) to feel they have no way out except to commit suicide.
 
A favourite lady of mine, named Barbara – the owner of Barbara’s Tchatzkah’s newletter I receive, has written the following blog to commemorate Domestic Violence Month this year, as follows:

 

 
As I have said here repeated, I am healing myself; though it will always be ongoing. Even disabled, my overgrown sense of responsibility tells me I need to do some small thing to contribute to society in a positive way. As someone I respect said "service to others is the payment for living here on Earth."

I am also doing teshuva towards others I may have harmed (since I have been blocked from working it out with any of them directly) by working with victims of Domestic Violence and running a blog on the subject.

I work mostly with non-physical forms of abuse: Verbal, Emotional, Online or Psychological. Abuse that is almost impossible to see and even harder to get at and often scars permanently.

This month is Domestic Violence Awareness Month. Aside from my political babbling, I am going to post about abuse. I hope you take the time to read these posts, pass them on and, if you need help – you can email me privately and I will try to point you in the right direction.

Abuse is an equal-opportunity thing. It effects men as well as women.

I have been living under the thumb of abuse my whole life. It took me over 45 years to see that it had been going on that long and that I was also picked out and targeted for abuse by a variety of emotional & sexual predators. As was explained to me:

"What do wolves got for? sheep that are alone, depressed, distracted or afraid. A sheep that may have been shunned by others or is just huddled with others who are scared."


That was me and still is in some ways. Why? To start, because I was raised that way. Yes, I was raised to be abused. I didn’t know what normal was and it is something I work on to this day. Non-physical abuse can be very serious and toxic, and can color a life forever.

Here is an article on the Characteristics of Adults Raised in Dysfunctional Families. This is who I am. It may be who you are or someone you know. I can’t cure it – but I can make it work to help others:

THE ELEVEN COMMANDMENTS OF DYSFUNCTIONAL FAMILIES

The First Commandment:
Thou shalt reinterpret reality to preserve the perfect fantasy.

Sample Situation: This commandment is designed to hide family secrets. Your mother never berates you or beats you. Your father never talks down to you or makes lewd comments around you. You are never screamed at or called names by your dysfunctional parent. Despite your crying, stomach aches & sleeplessness – it never happened.

Application: Even if you see it, it’s not real. You must have made a mistake. Therefore, reinterpret what you saw to make it nice and respectable. If you don’t, people will think you’re and we’re all crazy. We wouldn’t want them to think that now, would we?

Motto: Always believe the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the dysfunctional truth.

The Second Commandment:
Thou shalt always send mixed messages, especially when it concerns relationships.

Sample Situation: A dominating father tells his child, "I love you. Now beat it and leave me alone."

Application: You don’t really know what’s true. Either your father loves you or he hates you. Since you never know for sure, you’ll never be quite sure if others really mean what they say since those you loved most only spoke in mixed messages. They sounded good, but you couldn’t trust them.

Motto: Avoid people and relationships. It’s the safe thing to do.

The Third Commandment:

Thou shalt be an adult.

Sample Situation: Children were made to take care of their parents emotionally, physically, or sexually and to meet their parents’ "childish" needs for power, attention, sex, and belonging. The children submitted to avoid physical and emotional abandonment by their parents. Children in these environments can’t really remember a "childhood." For this reason, children were always expected to be adults.

Application: Being child-like and spontaneous is irresponsible and bad. You must act like an adult at all times and be responsible, even if you’re only five years old.

Motto: There’s no such thing as child’s play. It’s all serious stuff.

The Fourth Commandment:
Thou shalt keep secrets from others.

Sample Situation: Daddy has a "secret" that only he and his little girl know. Of course, she can’t tell Mommy. If she does, Daddy will hurt you and Mommy might leave and never come back.

Application: A child’s most important duty is to protect the image of their parents and family in the community. Watch what you say and be careful not to act funny around other people either. After all, as family we have to protect each other. If you stay quiet, you’re loyal. If you can’t, we won’t love you.

Motto: To really love someone is to show loyalty by protecting their "secrets" at all costs.

The Fifth Commandment:
Thou shalt protect family secrets.

Sample Situation: A member of the family commits suicide. Since this is not acceptable to discuss even in the family, all pictures, memorabilia, and anything else which would indicate that this family member had ever lived here must be discarded. After all, no one in our family would commit suicide, would they???

Application: Our family doesn’t have any problems, does it? Even if we did, we don’t have to discuss or deal with them. After all, they’re not that important. We can simply deny their existence so that we don’t have to deal with the grief.

Motto: Life’s too painful to have to deal with the pain and the problems. Just ignore them, they’ll go away.

The Sixth Commandment:
Thou shalt not feel.

Sample Situation: A child cries because her best friend is moving away. "You shouldn’t feel like that. Stop crying!" yells her mother angrily.

Application: Since any display of emotion might betray the family secrets that all is not perfect, all emotions must be repressed and numbed. After all, we’re a normal family. We’re not like other people who get angry, sad, or afraid.

Motto: Be respectable. After all, respectable people never show their emotions or pain…


The Seventh Commandment:

Thou shalt allow your boundaries to be violated, especially by those who "love" you.

Sample Situation: A child trying to accomplish a task continues to persist and work on it, hoping to gain a sense of accomplishment and approval. "Don’t be so stubborn!" mommy says. "Just give up. There’ s more important things than that to be done! Now put that stuff away and clean the house so that mommy knows you love her."

Lesson Learned: Anything you want is not worth protecting. Only those you love can tell you what is important and what’s not. Quit thinking for yourself and just do what makes everyone else happy..

Motto: Because others are more valuable than you, you don’t have the right to maintain your own boundaries or to make decisions.

The Eighth Commandment:
Thou shalt be hyper-vigilant

Sample Situation: A child is constantly reminded how dangerous the world is. People can’t be trusted either. Therefore, stay aloof, don’t get too close to anybody.

Lesson Learned: The only way to be safe in this world is to be careful and insulate yourself from others. Be careful. Always be on guard They might hurt you. If you need help, don’t ask for their help. Do it yourself.

Motto: Always be on your guard. The wise person is always over prepared and distrustful of everyone and everything.

The Ninth Commandment:
Thou shalt not let anyone do anything else for you. Do it all yourself.

Sample Situation: Parents continually remind the child that no one is to be trusted. If they do something for you, they’re doing it to manipulate you.

Lesson Learned: Stay aloof and don’t make friends with anybody. After all, if you get too close, they’ll use, hurt and abuse you. And remember this: nobody does anything for anyone unless they want something from you.

Motto: Do everything yourself.

The Tenth Commandment:
Thou shalt be perfect

Sample Situation: "Just because you got all ‘A’s on your report card doesn’t mean that you couldn’t have done better. You’re lazy. Now get to work and let’s see you get some more ‘A+’s’!"

Lesson Learned: If it’s not perfect, people won’t love you. No matter how good it is, it’s never good enough…but keep trying!

Motto: You’re only as good as your performance and that’s still not good enough!

The Eleventh Commandment:
Thou shalt not forgive yourself or others.

Sample Situation: "You’re always in my way, child! Why do you keep asking me to play with you? Don’t you know I played with you last year? Wasn’t that enough?! You ought to be ashamed of yourself! Go to your room. Don’t bother me."

Lesson Learned: The only way I can be forgiven and loved is if I can earn it by being perfect. The guiltier I feel, the harder I must work to gain other’s approval. If I make any mistakes, even a small one, they’ll reject me or think I’m incompetent or worthless. I’m afraid I will make a mistake, I know I will, I feel so guilty. Therefore, even if I think I can do it, I won’t. After all, I could make a mistake and then what would I do? Oh, I could never go back and say I’m sorry!

Motto: Since God doesn’t forgive me, I can’t forgive you either.

The Eleven Commandments Of Dysfunctional Families: A Summary

The First And Greatest Commandment is this:

"Be a "good" person: Be blind, be quiet, be numb, be careful, keep secrets, avoid reality, avoid relationships, don’t cry, don’t trust, don’t feel, be serious, don’t talk, don’t love and above all, make everyone think you’re perfect…even if it makes you feel guilty."


The Second Is Like Unto It:

"Since you’re worthless and nobody loves you anyway (including yourself), don’t try to change yourself. You’re not worth the effort and you couldn’t do it if you tried anyway. God won’t help you either. So get back where you belong. There’s nothing wrong anyway so what’s your problem! See, I told you that you were stupid."

taken from work by Thomas F. Fischer, M.Div., M.S.A. (some changes made by this blog owner)

 The friend to which I was speaking to this about, both he & I have been raised in a dysfunctional family where we often found ourselves to be the brunt of both verbal & physical abuse. Back then, no one ever talked about it & it appeared to be acceptable as well as the norm. Well, nowadays, it is most definitely not acceptable by any means & both he & I have broken out of the vicious cycle and are striving to lead a non-violent & non-abusive lifestyle. As for the rest of our family members & how they choose to behave & conduct themselves, that is their choice to make & to live with, and we in no way condone their actions. I hope by us leading a happy & harmonious lifestyle, perhaps we can eventually be good role models for people to look up to. I’m hoping that some day the time will come for that before I reach the end of this life – and if I can do this for people, I will be satisfied.

 

Some People Can Be So Clueless

17 Oct
 
I was sitting, watching my friend chipping away at the oldest profession in history & discussing how it’s been the norm in both of our families to be abusive toward their children. Mainly, what got me into talking about this topic is how it’s now the middle of October & this is domestic violence month, and also how I keep feeling an awful tingling feeling coming from the area of my cheek where a very abusive man split my face open less than a decade ago, sending me flying off my feet & landing with my chest against a corner of a wall that was jutting out. It’s probably because this happened to me at around this time of year, that I feel so creeped out about this topic, & it could be some kind of a subliminal thing.
 
But getting back to the topic of what I’d like to speak about & have been reading about again in the past week in the book called Bradshaw On: The Family (which discusses dysfunctional family systems in great detail), I was astounded to find out that it’s taken certain members of my own family over half a century, never mind decades (or 40 years, or so the book says it takes people to snap out of it) to realize that it is wrong to be abusive toward people – and that includes hitting children & woman (or even anyone, for that matter) or being verbally abusive toward them – and that includes name-calling & belittling as well… plus the added favourite type of abuse I’ve been hearing about as of late and that is gay bashing, which has been causing a lot of terribly suffering people (including very young adults & teenagers) to feel they have no way out except to commit suicide.
 
A favourite lady of mine, named Barbara – the owner of Barbara’s Tchatzkah’s newletter I receive, has written the following blog to commemorate Domestic Violence Month this year, as follows:

 

 
As I have said here repeated, I am healing myself; though it will always be ongoing. Even disabled, my overgrown sense of responsibility tells me I need to do some small thing to contribute to society in a positive way. As someone I respect said "service to others is the payment for living here on Earth."

I am also doing teshuva towards others I may have harmed (since I have been blocked from working it out with any of them directly) by working with victims of Domestic Violence and running a blog on the subject.

I work mostly with non-physical forms of abuse: Verbal, Emotional, Online or Psychological. Abuse that is almost impossible to see and even harder to get at and often scars permanently.

This month is Domestic Violence Awareness Month. Aside from my political babbling, I am going to post about abuse. I hope you take the time to read these posts, pass them on and, if you need help – you can email me privately and I will try to point you in the right direction.

Abuse is an equal-opportunity thing. It effects men as well as women.

I have been living under the thumb of abuse my whole life. It took me over 45 years to see that it had been going on that long and that I was also picked out and targeted for abuse by a variety of emotional & sexual predators. As was explained to me:

"What do wolves got for? sheep that are alone, depressed, distracted or afraid. A sheep that may have been shunned by others or is just huddled with others who are scared."


That was me and still is in some ways. Why? To start, because I was raised that way. Yes, I was raised to be abused. I didn’t know what normal was and it is something I work on to this day. Non-physical abuse can be very serious and toxic, and can color a life forever.

Here is an article on the Characteristics of Adults Raised in Dysfunctional Families. This is who I am. It may be who you are or someone you know. I can’t cure it – but I can make it work to help others:

THE ELEVEN COMMANDMENTS OF DYSFUNCTIONAL FAMILIES

The First Commandment:
Thou shalt reinterpret reality to preserve the perfect fantasy.

Sample Situation: This commandment is designed to hide family secrets. Your mother never berates you or beats you. Your father never talks down to you or makes lewd comments around you. You are never screamed at or called names by your dysfunctional parent. Despite your crying, stomach aches & sleeplessness – it never happened.

Application: Even if you see it, it’s not real. You must have made a mistake. Therefore, reinterpret what you saw to make it nice and respectable. If you don’t, people will think you’re and we’re all crazy. We wouldn’t want them to think that now, would we?

Motto: Always believe the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the dysfunctional truth.

The Second Commandment:
Thou shalt always send mixed messages, especially when it concerns relationships.

Sample Situation: A dominating father tells his child, "I love you. Now beat it and leave me alone."

Application: You don’t really know what’s true. Either your father loves you or he hates you. Since you never know for sure, you’ll never be quite sure if others really mean what they say since those you loved most only spoke in mixed messages. They sounded good, but you couldn’t trust them.

Motto: Avoid people and relationships. It’s the safe thing to do.

The Third Commandment:

Thou shalt be an adult.

Sample Situation: Children were made to take care of their parents emotionally, physically, or sexually and to meet their parents’ "childish" needs for power, attention, sex, and belonging. The children submitted to avoid physical and emotional abandonment by their parents. Children in these environments can’t really remember a "childhood." For this reason, children were always expected to be adults.

Application: Being child-like and spontaneous is irresponsible and bad. You must act like an adult at all times and be responsible, even if you’re only five years old.

Motto: There’s no such thing as child’s play. It’s all serious stuff.

The Fourth Commandment:
Thou shalt keep secrets from others.

Sample Situation: Daddy has a "secret" that only he and his little girl know. Of course, she can’t tell Mommy. If she does, Daddy will hurt you and Mommy might leave and never come back.

Application: A child’s most important duty is to protect the image of their parents and family in the community. Watch what you say and be careful not to act funny around other people either. After all, as family we have to protect each other. If you stay quiet, you’re loyal. If you can’t, we won’t love you.

Motto: To really love someone is to show loyalty by protecting their "secrets" at all costs.

The Fifth Commandment:
Thou shalt protect family secrets.

Sample Situation: A member of the family commits suicide. Since this is not acceptable to discuss even in the family, all pictures, memorabilia, and anything else which would indicate that this family member had ever lived here must be discarded. After all, no one in our family would commit suicide, would they???

Application: Our family doesn’t have any problems, does it? Even if we did, we don’t have to discuss or deal with them. After all, they’re not that important. We can simply deny their existence so that we don’t have to deal with the grief.

Motto: Life’s too painful to have to deal with the pain and the problems. Just ignore them, they’ll go away.

The Sixth Commandment:
Thou shalt not feel.

Sample Situation: A child cries because her best friend is moving away. "You shouldn’t feel like that. Stop crying!" yells her mother angrily.

Application: Since any display of emotion might betray the family secrets that all is not perfect, all emotions must be repressed and numbed. After all, we’re a normal family. We’re not like other people who get angry, sad, or afraid.

Motto: Be respectable. After all, respectable people never show their emotions or pain…


The Seventh Commandment:

Thou shalt allow your boundaries to be violated, especially by those who "love" you.

Sample Situation: A child trying to accomplish a task continues to persist and work on it, hoping to gain a sense of accomplishment and approval. "Don’t be so stubborn!" mommy says. "Just give up. There’ s more important things than that to be done! Now put that stuff away and clean the house so that mommy knows you love her."

Lesson Learned: Anything you want is not worth protecting. Only those you love can tell you what is important and what’s not. Quit thinking for yourself and just do what makes everyone else happy..

Motto: Because others are more valuable than you, you don’t have the right to maintain your own boundaries or to make decisions.

The Eighth Commandment:
Thou shalt be hyper-vigilant

Sample Situation: A child is constantly reminded how dangerous the world is. People can’t be trusted either. Therefore, stay aloof, don’t get too close to anybody.

Lesson Learned: The only way to be safe in this world is to be careful and insulate yourself from others. Be careful. Always be on guard They might hurt you. If you need help, don’t ask for their help. Do it yourself.

Motto: Always be on your guard. The wise person is always over prepared and distrustful of everyone and everything.

The Ninth Commandment:
Thou shalt not let anyone do anything else for you. Do it all yourself.

Sample Situation: Parents continually remind the child that no one is to be trusted. If they do something for you, they’re doing it to manipulate you.

Lesson Learned: Stay aloof and don’t make friends with anybody. After all, if you get too close, they’ll use, hurt and abuse you. And remember this: nobody does anything for anyone unless they want something from you.

Motto: Do everything yourself.

The Tenth Commandment:
Thou shalt be perfect

Sample Situation: "Just because you got all ‘A’s on your report card doesn’t mean that you couldn’t have done better. You’re lazy. Now get to work and let’s see you get some more ‘A+’s’!"

Lesson Learned: If it’s not perfect, people won’t love you. No matter how good it is, it’s never good enough…but keep trying!

Motto: You’re only as good as your performance and that’s still not good enough!

The Eleventh Commandment:
Thou shalt not forgive yourself or others.

Sample Situation: "You’re always in my way, child! Why do you keep asking me to play with you? Don’t you know I played with you last year? Wasn’t that enough?! You ought to be ashamed of yourself! Go to your room. Don’t bother me."

Lesson Learned: The only way I can be forgiven and loved is if I can earn it by being perfect. The guiltier I feel, the harder I must work to gain other’s approval. If I make any mistakes, even a small one, they’ll reject me or think I’m incompetent or worthless. I’m afraid I will make a mistake, I know I will, I feel so guilty. Therefore, even if I think I can do it, I won’t. After all, I could make a mistake and then what would I do? Oh, I could never go back and say I’m sorry!

Motto: Since God doesn’t forgive me, I can’t forgive you either.

The Eleven Commandments Of Dysfunctional Families: A Summary

The First And Greatest Commandment is this:

"Be a "good" person: Be blind, be quiet, be numb, be careful, keep secrets, avoid reality, avoid relationships, don’t cry, don’t trust, don’t feel, be serious, don’t talk, don’t love and above all, make everyone think you’re perfect…even if it makes you feel guilty."


The Second Is Like Unto It:

"Since you’re worthless and nobody loves you anyway (including yourself), don’t try to change yourself. You’re not worth the effort and you couldn’t do it if you tried anyway. God won’t help you either. So get back where you belong. There’s nothing wrong anyway so what’s your problem! See, I told you that you were stupid."

taken from work by Thomas F. Fischer, M.Div., M.S.A. (some changes made by this blog owner)

 The friend to which I was speaking to this about, both he & I have been raised in a dysfunctional family where we often found ourselves to be the brunt of both verbal & physical abuse. Back then, no one ever talked about it & it appeared to be acceptable as well as the norm. Well, nowadays, it is most definitely not acceptable by any means & both he & I have broken out of the vicious cycle and are striving to lead a non-violent & non-abusive lifestyle. As for the rest of our family members & how they choose to behave & conduct themselves, that is their choice to make & to live with, and we in no way condone their actions. I hope by us leading a happy & harmonious lifestyle, perhaps we can eventually be good role models for people to look up to. I’m hoping that some day the time will come for that before I reach the end of this life – and if I can do this for people, I will be satisfied.

 

my VHS horror movies

8 Oct
 

The ones I can live without & would like to sell or trade:

 

Bloody Birthday

Dance of the Damned

Driller Killer

Funeral Home

Gothika

Hello Mary Lou – Prom Night II

Prime Evil

Seizure

 

 

Silent Night Deadly Night, Part 2

Slumber Party Massacre II

Terror Hospital

What Lies Beneath

Willard

 

  

The ones I’d like to keep,

unless someone is really interested in buying or trading them:

 

(John Carpenter’s) Body Bags

(Wes Craven’s) Dracula 2000

Hellraiser (based on the novel by Clive Baker who had a hand in creating this film)

Red Dragon (based on the Hannibal series of books)

The Silence of the Lambs (the most popular film based on the Hannibal novels)

Stephen King’s Nightschift Collection Vol. 1

(David Cronenberg’s) Videodrome

 

 

 I chose Body Bags & Hellraiser for this

Friday’s Fright Night double bill

 

 

 

my VHS horror movies

8 Oct
 

The ones I can live without & would like to sell or trade:

 

Bloody Birthday

Dance of the Damned

Driller Killer

Funeral Home

Gothika

Hello Mary Lou – Prom Night II

Prime Evil

Seizure

 

 

Silent Night Deadly Night, Part 2

Slumber Party Massacre II

Terror Hospital

What Lies Beneath

Willard

 

  

The ones I’d like to keep,

unless someone is really interested in buying or trading them:

 

(John Carpenter’s) Body Bags

(Wes Craven’s) Dracula 2000

Hellraiser (based on the novel by Clive Baker who had a hand in creating this film)

Red Dragon (based on the Hannibal series of books)

The Silence of the Lambs (the most popular film based on the Hannibal novels)

Stephen King’s Nightschift Collection Vol. 1

(David Cronenberg’s) Videodrome

 

 

 I chose Body Bags & Hellraiser for this

Friday’s Fright Night double bill

 

 

 

my VHS horror movies

8 Oct
 

The ones I can live without & would like to sell or trade:

 

Bloody Birthday

Dance of the Damned

Driller Killer

Funeral Home

Gothika

Hello Mary Lou – Prom Night II

Prime Evil

Seizure

 

 

Silent Night Deadly Night, Part 2

Slumber Party Massacre II

Terror Hospital

What Lies Beneath

Willard

 

  

The ones I’d like to keep,

unless someone is really interested in buying or trading them:

 

(John Carpenter’s) Body Bags

(Wes Craven’s) Dracula 2000

Hellraiser (based on the novel by Clive Baker who had a hand in creating this film)

Red Dragon (based on the Hannibal series of books)

The Silence of the Lambs (the most popular film based on the Hannibal novels)

Stephen King’s Nightschift Collection Vol. 1

(David Cronenberg’s) Videodrome

 

 

 I chose Body Bags & Hellraiser for this

Friday’s Fright Night double bill

 

 

 

EL MUNDO

6 Oct
 

If this is true, that I might be one person to the world but to one person I might just be the world (and there’s some pretty deep heavy-duty sociology there for you, if you ask me), then that person who I mean the world to should display some honour by respecting my privacy and holding everything sacred about me, and that includes my history, my achievements, my successes & my failures, and accept me as-is. In my almost 48 years, I have gained much wisdom thru working full-time over 30 years, running my own businesses, & having read a lot of books about things that deal with philosophy, psychology & many different forms of abuse & mental illness. At this point in my life, I am not on any type of prescription drug or chemical substance. I have qualified for disability mainly because of permanent injuries that I have sustained during the past 10 years & the repercussions thereof, as well as needing surgery for one of them in the upcoming Spring. I can safely say that I am sound of mind, eating healthily & am fit in every sense of the word, other than being physically & emotionally impaired because of my injuries.

 

SOMETIMES I FEEL LIKE  

I’M CARRYING  THE WORLD ON MY SHOULDERS

 

Some people find it very easy to use me as a handy target to dump their problems on & involve me in their personal issues that I never had anything to do with in the first place. This can become a very heavy burden for me at times & being the caring person that I am, it’s very difficult for me to say no to someone who needs help. There is something very good about the saying, "You scratch my back & I’ll scratch yours", if only some people could see the good in this by appreciating it when someone helps them only out of the goodness of their own  without having any personal gain by it. And that’s why people should value when someone cares about them enough to acknowledge them & be there for them. We can’t force people to do this. They can only do it of their own volition. 

 

All in all, what I’m trying to tell everyone here is if I had not lost at times, there would have been no gain, but such is life! It is nothing but a challenge for anyone who dares to accept it & is willing to make the most of it, even at their own risk. The most important thing that I am proud of at this moment is that I have succeeded in what I have set out to do, despite the odds working against me. I am an easily approachable person, as well as forgiving to those who admit their mistakes, for I completely understand what it’s like for people who are ill & under a great deal of duress as well as the stress that we bring upon ourselves that causes us to act out in unpleasant ways against others & condemn them, when we ourselves are having a hard time taking care of our own issues that desperately need attending to. Sometimes we behave like children who feel hard done-by & are seeking attention. I already know all of this & what makes certain people tick, and that is why I’m asking you, if I mean the world to you, why are you sitting back hiding in the sidelines when you could be spending quality time with me as a true friend & companion? I willingly help others when I feel like it – that is my prerogative. The only thing I refuse to be is someone’s scapegoat or an adult’s babysitter in the sense that I find myself doing things for them that they are completely capable of doing themselves. I might give you a bit of pampering & praise, though. That’s about all she wrote for now, folks!

 

All of childhood’s unanswered questions must finally be passed back to the town and answered there. Heroes and bogey men, values and dislikes, are first encountered and labeled in that early environment. In later years they change faces, places and maybe races, tactics, intensities and goals, but beneath those penetrable masks they wear forever the stocking-capped faces of childhood ~ Maya Angelou (American Poet, b. 1928)