The Latest Waves

 

 I’ve been bent out of shape, bent ‘n bound on comparing some of the following items that have been flowing thru my mind as of late causing me to feel all giddy & clammy like a drained squid that bashed its head on a breakwall, but I’m still keeping afloat & coming back to shore after something knocked me to my senses again. So I’m wiping those salty drops off my face & will anticipate a sunny outcome after all, come hell or high water, by lighting up & lightening up today. Cheers  

 

I figured with all the broohaha that’s been going on about tsunami’s lately & how I like to study natural disasters, I’ve decided to post a few things closely related to this topic, for both young & old, and man & woman alike. I like it. Hope you do too & you learn sumfin while you’re at it.

 

 

What are “Concrete Shoes?”

 “Concrete shoes” is a metaphor for the inclination to stay in a situation when everything is telling you to leave. It’s about not going with your gut instinct, not standing your ground, and not keeping your boundaries. You say things like, “This is the last time…” or “If it ever happens again…” or “I’m through!” or “It’s over!” But when you are faced with the reality of following through, you don’t hold up under the pressure. And so you set the boundary again…and again…and again, but you can’t ever leave. You feel like you’ve lost control. You are physically and emotionally drained, and that’s why those concrete shoes keep you there.

 

How to Repair Sinking Concrete Without Breaking Up the Slab

 

By Bambi Turner
eHow Contributing Writer

 Concrete is a building material made from Portland cement, water, sand and gravel. It is known for its versatility, affordability and ease of use. Even though it is relatively simple to work with, when proper installation techniques are ignored, the concrete can suffer from problems down the road. The most common problem is sinking, which occurs when the concrete is poured over an unstable base. The base will shift over time, creating or widening voids or air pockets under the surface. When this happens, the concrete will sink or crack. While severe cases will require removing the entire surface and repouring, more moderate sinking problems can be fixed quickly and affordably using one of several potential methods.

 

Difficulty: Moderate

 

Instructions

 

Things You’ll Need:

• Expansion tape
• Trowel
• Concrete mix
• Water
• Wheelbarrow
• Self-leveling concrete

1. Step 1

   Try slabjacking. This process works best for concrete patios and other small surfaces. Here, a concrete company will lift the edge of the slab using a backhoe or similar equipment. While the slab is raised, they will pump gravel or another base material underneath. When the slab is lowered, it should be smooth and even.

2. Step 2

   Consider mudjacking. Under this process, small holes are drilled in the existing concrete and extend all the way to the sub-base below the slab. More concrete is poured into these holes to fill the empty cavities under the slab. This will lift and level the concrete while providing a stable base to prevent future sinking.

3. Step 3

   Use a self-leveling compound for larger surfaces, such as a concrete floor. Before you start, use expansion tape to build a 1/2"-wide dam around the perimeter to the room. This tape will control the flow of the compound.

4. Step 4

   Fill any holes or cracks in the floor using a blend of concrete mix and water. Apply the mixture using a trowel and wait 4 hours for the patched areas to dry before proceeding.

5. Step 5

   Mix a self-leveling compound with water in a bucket or wheelbarrow, being sure to only add the minimum amount of water directed by the manufacturer’s instructions.

6. Step 6

   Pour the self-leveling mixture across the floor in roughly one foot wide strips. Gravity will spread the compound and cause it to fill up dips or spaces caused by sinking.

BRB… I’M WASHING THAT MAN RIGHT OUTTA MY HAIR

 

What’s that? Gimme a sec while I poke my wet ears here… and no, I ain’t wet behind the ears! Getting back to vimen’s power struggles, reps & pep talks – repair it yourself, you might be asking yourself? Moderate difficulty, you say? That means medium, or the average, so I get the understanding here that the average Joe can repair just about anything when it comes to feeling kinda like you’re being dragged down, more or less like the effect of a tidal wave or being on the Titanic during those last few fatal moments, or like you’re wearing your last pair of shoes – concrete, that is! You know – like the kinds they wear in those Mafia kindsa movies. Bottom line here, in this quirky comparison (one of eez all-time fave passions), is that any person should be able to fix small stuff like this, but they can’t. I’ll tell ya what will really help tho’ ~ a Texas mickey of tequila & a couple of hands – and get your mind outta the gutter – I meant Latino hanz (hah) sorta like this one that came floating along in my dreams last night:

 

ANGEL MAN

 

I just thought of sumfin here… why do they call it breaking up when it makes you feel so down? I prefer to think of it as breaking down, busting into pieces, getting up, dustin’ off your dirty knees, stretching your slabby body (or should I say that plus flabby by now from gloating), arranging the broken pieces you want to keep together, and creating something out of nothing. And with a few more added shots ‘n a sprinkle or two of lemon, you’ll reinforce the fact that your so-called sweetheart is now tart & sour, whereby the fruit of which I just spoke of is actually sweet when it was once sour. This is beginning to reek of oral diarrhea, so I’ll call it a day, or a night (for blogging, that is!), & try my best to cut it short while counting my blessings & my better-than-good tidal waves. Before I bid you all adieu, I’m sending you good tidings of comfort & joy, plus a li’l something for when you’re all in a knot or in a spell, but I’m warning you, keep a tight lid on it or it’ll get stale, okay? Yes, I mean the can, and you can take that any way you want it, babeez! 

 

 

The Latest Waves

 

 I’ve been bent out of shape, bent ‘n bound on comparing some of the following items that have been flowing thru my mind as of late causing me to feel all giddy & clammy like a drained squid that bashed its head on a breakwall, but I’m still keeping afloat & coming back to shore after something knocked me to my senses again. So I’m wiping those salty drops off my face & will anticipate a sunny outcome after all, come hell or high water, by lighting up & lightening up today. Cheers  

 

I figured with all the broohaha that’s been going on about tsunami’s lately & how I like to study natural disasters, I’ve decided to post a few things closely related to this topic, for both young & old, and man & woman alike. I like it. Hope you do too & you learn sumfin while you’re at it.

 

 

What are “Concrete Shoes?”

 “Concrete shoes” is a metaphor for the inclination to stay in a situation when everything is telling you to leave. It’s about not going with your gut instinct, not standing your ground, and not keeping your boundaries. You say things like, “This is the last time…” or “If it ever happens again…” or “I’m through!” or “It’s over!” But when you are faced with the reality of following through, you don’t hold up under the pressure. And so you set the boundary again…and again…and again, but you can’t ever leave. You feel like you’ve lost control. You are physically and emotionally drained, and that’s why those concrete shoes keep you there.

 

How to Repair Sinking Concrete Without Breaking Up the Slab

 

By Bambi Turner
eHow Contributing Writer

 Concrete is a building material made from Portland cement, water, sand and gravel. It is known for its versatility, affordability and ease of use. Even though it is relatively simple to work with, when proper installation techniques are ignored, the concrete can suffer from problems down the road. The most common problem is sinking, which occurs when the concrete is poured over an unstable base. The base will shift over time, creating or widening voids or air pockets under the surface. When this happens, the concrete will sink or crack. While severe cases will require removing the entire surface and repouring, more moderate sinking problems can be fixed quickly and affordably using one of several potential methods.

 

Difficulty: Moderate

 

Instructions

 

Things You’ll Need:

• Expansion tape
• Trowel
• Concrete mix
• Water
• Wheelbarrow
• Self-leveling concrete

1. Step 1

   Try slabjacking. This process works best for concrete patios and other small surfaces. Here, a concrete company will lift the edge of the slab using a backhoe or similar equipment. While the slab is raised, they will pump gravel or another base material underneath. When the slab is lowered, it should be smooth and even.

2. Step 2

   Consider mudjacking. Under this process, small holes are drilled in the existing concrete and extend all the way to the sub-base below the slab. More concrete is poured into these holes to fill the empty cavities under the slab. This will lift and level the concrete while providing a stable base to prevent future sinking.

3. Step 3

   Use a self-leveling compound for larger surfaces, such as a concrete floor. Before you start, use expansion tape to build a 1/2"-wide dam around the perimeter to the room. This tape will control the flow of the compound.

4. Step 4

   Fill any holes or cracks in the floor using a blend of concrete mix and water. Apply the mixture using a trowel and wait 4 hours for the patched areas to dry before proceeding.

5. Step 5

   Mix a self-leveling compound with water in a bucket or wheelbarrow, being sure to only add the minimum amount of water directed by the manufacturer’s instructions.

6. Step 6

   Pour the self-leveling mixture across the floor in roughly one foot wide strips. Gravity will spread the compound and cause it to fill up dips or spaces caused by sinking.

BRB… I’M WASHING THAT MAN RIGHT OUTTA MY HAIR

 

What’s that? Gimme a sec while I poke my wet ears here… and no, I ain’t wet behind the ears! Getting back to vimen’s power struggles, reps & pep talks – repair it yourself, you might be asking yourself? Moderate difficulty, you say? That means medium, or the average, so I get the understanding here that the average Joe can repair just about anything when it comes to feeling kinda like you’re being dragged down, more or less like the effect of a tidal wave or being on the Titanic during those last few fatal moments, or like you’re wearing your last pair of shoes – concrete, that is! You know – like the kinds they wear in those Mafia kindsa movies. Bottom line here, in this quirky comparison (one of eez all-time fave passions), is that any person should be able to fix small stuff like this, but they can’t. I’ll tell ya what will really help tho’ ~ a Texas mickey of tequila & a couple of hands – and get your mind outta the gutter – I meant Latino hanz (hah) sorta like this one that came floating along in my dreams last night:

 

ANGEL MAN

 

I just thought of sumfin here… why do they call it breaking up when it makes you feel so down? I prefer to think of it as breaking down, busting into pieces, getting up, dustin’ off your dirty knees, stretching your slabby body (or should I say that plus flabby by now from gloating), arranging the broken pieces you want to keep together, and creating something out of nothing. And with a few more added shots ‘n a sprinkle or two of lemon, you’ll reinforce the fact that your so-called sweetheart is now tart & sour, whereby the fruit of which I just spoke of is actually sweet when it was once sour. This is beginning to reek of oral diarrhea, so I’ll call it a day, or a night (for blogging, that is!), & try my best to cut it short while counting my blessings & my better-than-good tidal waves. Before I bid you all adieu, I’m sending you good tidings of comfort & joy, plus a li’l something for when you’re all in a knot or in a spell, but I’m warning you, keep a tight lid on it or it’ll get stale, okay? Yes, I mean the can, and you can take that any way you want it, babeez! 

 

 

The Latest Waves

 

 I’ve been bent out of shape, bent ‘n bound on comparing some of the following items that have been flowing thru my mind as of late causing me to feel all giddy & clammy like a drained squid that bashed its head on a breakwall, but I’m still keeping afloat & coming back to shore after something knocked me to my senses again. So I’m wiping those salty drops off my face & will anticipate a sunny outcome after all, come hell or high water, by lighting up & lightening up today. Cheers  

 

I figured with all the broohaha that’s been going on about tsunami’s lately & how I like to study natural disasters, I’ve decided to post a few things closely related to this topic, for both young & old, and man & woman alike. I like it. Hope you do too & you learn sumfin while you’re at it.

 

 

What are “Concrete Shoes?”

 “Concrete shoes” is a metaphor for the inclination to stay in a situation when everything is telling you to leave. It’s about not going with your gut instinct, not standing your ground, and not keeping your boundaries. You say things like, “This is the last time…” or “If it ever happens again…” or “I’m through!” or “It’s over!” But when you are faced with the reality of following through, you don’t hold up under the pressure. And so you set the boundary again…and again…and again, but you can’t ever leave. You feel like you’ve lost control. You are physically and emotionally drained, and that’s why those concrete shoes keep you there.

 

How to Repair Sinking Concrete Without Breaking Up the Slab

 

By Bambi Turner
eHow Contributing Writer

 Concrete is a building material made from Portland cement, water, sand and gravel. It is known for its versatility, affordability and ease of use. Even though it is relatively simple to work with, when proper installation techniques are ignored, the concrete can suffer from problems down the road. The most common problem is sinking, which occurs when the concrete is poured over an unstable base. The base will shift over time, creating or widening voids or air pockets under the surface. When this happens, the concrete will sink or crack. While severe cases will require removing the entire surface and repouring, more moderate sinking problems can be fixed quickly and affordably using one of several potential methods.

 

Difficulty: Moderate

 

Instructions

 

Things You’ll Need:

• Expansion tape
• Trowel
• Concrete mix
• Water
• Wheelbarrow
• Self-leveling concrete

1. Step 1

   Try slabjacking. This process works best for concrete patios and other small surfaces. Here, a concrete company will lift the edge of the slab using a backhoe or similar equipment. While the slab is raised, they will pump gravel or another base material underneath. When the slab is lowered, it should be smooth and even.

2. Step 2

   Consider mudjacking. Under this process, small holes are drilled in the existing concrete and extend all the way to the sub-base below the slab. More concrete is poured into these holes to fill the empty cavities under the slab. This will lift and level the concrete while providing a stable base to prevent future sinking.

3. Step 3

   Use a self-leveling compound for larger surfaces, such as a concrete floor. Before you start, use expansion tape to build a 1/2"-wide dam around the perimeter to the room. This tape will control the flow of the compound.

4. Step 4

   Fill any holes or cracks in the floor using a blend of concrete mix and water. Apply the mixture using a trowel and wait 4 hours for the patched areas to dry before proceeding.

5. Step 5

   Mix a self-leveling compound with water in a bucket or wheelbarrow, being sure to only add the minimum amount of water directed by the manufacturer’s instructions.

6. Step 6

   Pour the self-leveling mixture across the floor in roughly one foot wide strips. Gravity will spread the compound and cause it to fill up dips or spaces caused by sinking.

BRB… I’M WASHING THAT MAN RIGHT OUTTA MY HAIR

 

What’s that? Gimme a sec while I poke my wet ears here… and no, I ain’t wet behind the ears! Getting back to vimen’s power struggles, reps & pep talks – repair it yourself, you might be asking yourself? Moderate difficulty, you say? That means medium, or the average, so I get the understanding here that the average Joe can repair just about anything when it comes to feeling kinda like you’re being dragged down, more or less like the effect of a tidal wave or being on the Titanic during those last few fatal moments, or like you’re wearing your last pair of shoes – concrete, that is! You know – like the kinds they wear in those Mafia kindsa movies. Bottom line here, in this quirky comparison (one of eez all-time fave passions), is that any person should be able to fix small stuff like this, but they can’t. I’ll tell ya what will really help tho’ ~ a Texas mickey of tequila & a couple of hands – and get your mind outta the gutter – I meant Latino hanz (hah) sorta like this one that came floating along in my dreams last night:

 

ANGEL MAN

 

I just thought of sumfin here… why do they call it breaking up when it makes you feel so down? I prefer to think of it as breaking down, busting into pieces, getting up, dustin’ off your dirty knees, stretching your slabby body (or should I say that plus flabby by now from gloating), arranging the broken pieces you want to keep together, and creating something out of nothing. And with a few more added shots ‘n a sprinkle or two of lemon, you’ll reinforce the fact that your so-called sweetheart is now tart & sour, whereby the fruit of which I just spoke of is actually sweet when it was once sour. This is beginning to reek of oral diarrhea, so I’ll call it a day, or a night (for blogging, that is!), & try my best to cut it short while counting my blessings & my better-than-good tidal waves. Before I bid you all adieu, I’m sending you good tidings of comfort & joy, plus a li’l something for when you’re all in a knot or in a spell, but I’m warning you, keep a tight lid on it or it’ll get stale, okay? Yes, I mean the can, and you can take that any way you want it, babeez! 

 

 

Wutdafuksa Chick Sexer?

 

 Seeing as how I like sexing, chicks ‘n hangin’ ’round with asses, I thought I might check into this career, only to find that I don’t qualify ~ I don’t know any Korean… SHUCKS! A chick sexer, by the way, is someone who’s been trained in determining the sex of chicks. Not hard to figure out anything here, eh? Here is the ad anyway, in case any of you are interested in committing your life to chicks:

 

Chick sexer (NOC: 8431)  Speak English Work Conditions and Physical Capabilities: Fast-paced environment, Tight deadlines, Repetitive tasks Work Site Environment: Odours Work Location Information: Rural community Other Languages: Korean Employer: BEN JUNG CHICK SEXING INC. Please apply for this job only in the manner specified by the employer. Failure to do so may result in your application not being properly considered for the position. Contact Name: YOO BUM JUNG 40 BOSWORTH STREET, ANCASTER, Ontario L9K 1N8 In Person between 9:00 and 17:00 By E-mail: ontservice@gmail.com Advertised until: 2010/02/04

 

IT’S A DIRTY JOB PICKING UP DIRTY GUYS 

but somebody’s gonna do it!

Wowee! That’s some body, boy!  

 

Wutdafuksa Chick Sexer?

 

 Seeing as how I like sexing, chicks ‘n hangin’ ’round with asses, I thought I might check into this career, only to find that I don’t qualify ~ I don’t know any Korean… SHUCKS! A chick sexer, by the way, is someone who’s been trained in determining the sex of chicks. Not hard to figure out anything here, eh? Here is the ad anyway, in case any of you are interested in committing your life to chicks:

 

Chick sexer (NOC: 8431)  Speak English Work Conditions and Physical Capabilities: Fast-paced environment, Tight deadlines, Repetitive tasks Work Site Environment: Odours Work Location Information: Rural community Other Languages: Korean Employer: BEN JUNG CHICK SEXING INC. Please apply for this job only in the manner specified by the employer. Failure to do so may result in your application not being properly considered for the position. Contact Name: YOO BUM JUNG 40 BOSWORTH STREET, ANCASTER, Ontario L9K 1N8 In Person between 9:00 and 17:00 By E-mail: ontservice@gmail.com Advertised until: 2010/02/04

 

IT’S A DIRTY JOB PICKING UP DIRTY GUYS 

but somebody’s gonna do it!

Wowee! That’s some body, boy!  

 

Wutdafuksa Chick Sexer?

 

 Seeing as how I like sexing, chicks ‘n hangin’ ’round with asses, I thought I might check into this career, only to find that I don’t qualify ~ I don’t know any Korean… SHUCKS! A chick sexer, by the way, is someone who’s been trained in determining the sex of chicks. Not hard to figure out anything here, eh? Here is the ad anyway, in case any of you are interested in committing your life to chicks:

 

Chick sexer (NOC: 8431)  Speak English Work Conditions and Physical Capabilities: Fast-paced environment, Tight deadlines, Repetitive tasks Work Site Environment: Odours Work Location Information: Rural community Other Languages: Korean Employer: BEN JUNG CHICK SEXING INC. Please apply for this job only in the manner specified by the employer. Failure to do so may result in your application not being properly considered for the position. Contact Name: YOO BUM JUNG 40 BOSWORTH STREET, ANCASTER, Ontario L9K 1N8 In Person between 9:00 and 17:00 By E-mail: ontservice@gmail.com Advertised until: 2010/02/04

 

IT’S A DIRTY JOB PICKING UP DIRTY GUYS 

but somebody’s gonna do it!

Wowee! That’s some body, boy!  

 

Like Talking To A Wall?

 

You’ve all probably heard that old joke about what you do with your asshole first thing in the morning, I’m sure! It really makes me wonder, now that I’ve had a few minutes to think about it, why anyone would want to sleep beside one anyway for? I just found a chain mail on the internet  when I typed into the search "when a man’s a shit &… (you don’t wanna hear the rest of it). Anyway, here goes (copied from http://rageagainstthemanchine.com/2009/10/07/holy-shit-does-this-rule/):

 

I received this list in an e-mail and I’m pretty sure it’s incumbent upon me to share it with the world, seeing as it’s the greatest thing I’ve read in weeks. I especially like number eight.

Sexual Assault Prevention Tips Guaranteed to Work!

 

1. Don’t put drugs in people’s drinks in order to control their behavior.

2. When you see someone walking by themselves, leave them alone!

3. If you pull over to help someone with car problems, remember not to assault them!

4. NEVER open an unlocked door or window uninvited.

5. If you are in an elevator and someone else gets in, DON’T ASSAULT THEM!

6. Remember, people go to laundry to do their laundry, do not attempt to molest someone who is alone in a laundry room.

7. USE THE BUDDY SYSTEM! If you are not able to stop yourself from assaulting people, ask a friend to stay with you while you are in public.

8. Always be honest with people! Don’t pretend to be a caring friend in order to gain the trust of someone you want to assault. Consider telling them you plan to assault them. If you don’t communicate your intentions, the other person may take that as a sign that you do not plan to rape them.

9. Don’t forget: you can’t have sex with someone unless they are awake!

10. Carry a whistle! If you are worried you might assault someone “on accident” you can hand it to the person you are with, so they can blow it if you do.

And, ALWAYS REMEMBER: if you didn’t ask permission and then respect the answer the first time, you are commiting a crime — no matter how “into it” others appear to be.

WAKE UP BUDDY! YOU FLIPPIN’ REEK!

You need a little more than a cold shower!

Like Talking To A Wall?

 

You’ve all probably heard that old joke about what you do with your asshole first thing in the morning, I’m sure! It really makes me wonder, now that I’ve had a few minutes to think about it, why anyone would want to sleep beside one anyway for? I just found a chain mail on the internet  when I typed into the search "when a man’s a shit &… (you don’t wanna hear the rest of it). Anyway, here goes (copied from http://rageagainstthemanchine.com/2009/10/07/holy-shit-does-this-rule/):

 

I received this list in an e-mail and I’m pretty sure it’s incumbent upon me to share it with the world, seeing as it’s the greatest thing I’ve read in weeks. I especially like number eight.

Sexual Assault Prevention Tips Guaranteed to Work!

 

1. Don’t put drugs in people’s drinks in order to control their behavior.

2. When you see someone walking by themselves, leave them alone!

3. If you pull over to help someone with car problems, remember not to assault them!

4. NEVER open an unlocked door or window uninvited.

5. If you are in an elevator and someone else gets in, DON’T ASSAULT THEM!

6. Remember, people go to laundry to do their laundry, do not attempt to molest someone who is alone in a laundry room.

7. USE THE BUDDY SYSTEM! If you are not able to stop yourself from assaulting people, ask a friend to stay with you while you are in public.

8. Always be honest with people! Don’t pretend to be a caring friend in order to gain the trust of someone you want to assault. Consider telling them you plan to assault them. If you don’t communicate your intentions, the other person may take that as a sign that you do not plan to rape them.

9. Don’t forget: you can’t have sex with someone unless they are awake!

10. Carry a whistle! If you are worried you might assault someone “on accident” you can hand it to the person you are with, so they can blow it if you do.

And, ALWAYS REMEMBER: if you didn’t ask permission and then respect the answer the first time, you are commiting a crime — no matter how “into it” others appear to be.

WAKE UP BUDDY! YOU FLIPPIN’ REEK!

You need a little more than a cold shower!

Like Talking To A Wall?

 

You’ve all probably heard that old joke about what you do with your asshole first thing in the morning, I’m sure! It really makes me wonder, now that I’ve had a few minutes to think about it, why anyone would want to sleep beside one anyway for? I just found a chain mail on the internet  when I typed into the search "when a man’s a shit &… (you don’t wanna hear the rest of it). Anyway, here goes (copied from http://rageagainstthemanchine.com/2009/10/07/holy-shit-does-this-rule/):

 

I received this list in an e-mail and I’m pretty sure it’s incumbent upon me to share it with the world, seeing as it’s the greatest thing I’ve read in weeks. I especially like number eight.

Sexual Assault Prevention Tips Guaranteed to Work!

 

1. Don’t put drugs in people’s drinks in order to control their behavior.

2. When you see someone walking by themselves, leave them alone!

3. If you pull over to help someone with car problems, remember not to assault them!

4. NEVER open an unlocked door or window uninvited.

5. If you are in an elevator and someone else gets in, DON’T ASSAULT THEM!

6. Remember, people go to laundry to do their laundry, do not attempt to molest someone who is alone in a laundry room.

7. USE THE BUDDY SYSTEM! If you are not able to stop yourself from assaulting people, ask a friend to stay with you while you are in public.

8. Always be honest with people! Don’t pretend to be a caring friend in order to gain the trust of someone you want to assault. Consider telling them you plan to assault them. If you don’t communicate your intentions, the other person may take that as a sign that you do not plan to rape them.

9. Don’t forget: you can’t have sex with someone unless they are awake!

10. Carry a whistle! If you are worried you might assault someone “on accident” you can hand it to the person you are with, so they can blow it if you do.

And, ALWAYS REMEMBER: if you didn’t ask permission and then respect the answer the first time, you are commiting a crime — no matter how “into it” others appear to be.

WAKE UP BUDDY! YOU FLIPPIN’ REEK!

You need a little more than a cold shower!

The 9 Most Badass Bible Verses

 

  

If the Bible had been written by King Leonidas and the rest of the Spartans from 300, it would probably read pretty much the same as it does now. It turns out, the Bible is already chock full of ass kicking. Here are the verses that make us want to take to the streets and put some unbelievers to the sword. #9. Exodus 2:11-12 Sure, Moses was a great leader, an emancipator of his people and a prophet. Most people don’t know that he also was the Biblical equivalent of Splinter Cell‘s Sam Fisher–a well-honed killing machine, able to slay from the shadows without pity or remorse. Martin Luther King may have had a dream, but Moses had a body count. You can almost picture the scene: An Egyptian soldier is wailing on a hapless Hebrew when Moses, clothed in head-to- toe black, drops down from the ceiling. Moving with cat-like grace, he sneaks up behind the soldier and, taking his head in his hands, snaps the man’s neck with one savage twist. As the lifeless body slumps to the ground, Moses lights up a cigar. "Well," he quips, "looks like someone bit off more than he could Jew." Moses, seen here, is about to murder the hell out of an unsuspecting Egyptian. Moses later defeated the Egyptian Pharaoh, who, if we remember correctly, had been using Hebrew slaves to construct a 40-foot-high armored battle suit capable of launching nuclear missiles to anywhere in the world. #8. II Kings 2:23-24 We’ve all been there. You’re walking along, minding your own business, when a gang of cocky, young bastards start hurling abuse at you. Most of us would just keep walking, or maybe, yell some insults back or flip them the bird. Elisha (commonly regarded as the Luke Skywalker to the Prophet Elijah’s Obi-Wan Kenobi), however, decides to take it one step further. Invoking the name of God, he summons motherfucking bears to come and claw the shit out of them. Christians are constantly asking for prayer in schools to help get today’s kids in line, but we beg to differ. We need bears in schools. If every teacher had the power to summon a pair of child-maiming grizzly avengers, you can bet that schoolchildren nowadays would be the most well-behaved, polite children, ever. It’s a simple choice: listen to the biology lesson, or get first-hand knowledge of the digestive system of Ursus horribilis. Every year in Israel, divine-bear attacks kill over 500 children. It should be pointed out that even after his death, Elisha continued to kick ass. II Kings 13:20-21 tells us that when a dead body was thrown into his tomb and touched Elisha’s bones, it sprang back to life. It’s unknown whether Elisha had this power in life, as well as death, but we like to think he did and that he had the habit of killing his victims with bears, resurrecting them, and then promptly re-summoning the bears to kill them, again. He’d just repeat the whole thing over and over until he got bored. #7. Ezekiel 23:19-20 Contrary to what you may think, the Bible has never shied away from talking about sex. In fact, the entire Song of Solomon is dedicated to describing a couple getting it on, complete with lines like "I am a wall, and my breasts are like towers". This verse is particularly explicit, though, informing us that Egyptians are hung like farmyard animals, and can ejaculate in quantities to rival the annual flooding of the Nile. Keep in mind, the Egyptians were the Jews’ former slave masters and are the bad guys in this story. So, you know their reputation for supreme endowment was well earned when the worst their enemies could say was, "Go on! Go back to those big-cocked bastards! I hope you’re happy with their enormous dongs." The old Egyptians didn’t exactly run from their reputation. Egyptian ruins are littered with statues like the one on the right (this one is Min, the god of huge dong-having). They even invented the phallic obelisk to advertise it (picture the Washington Monument, that’s an obelisk). That was their statement to the world: "Gaze upon our dick tower and despair." This passage creates a problem for many new Bible readers. Once you’ve read this, it is impossible to go back and read the above story of Moses killing the Egyptian guy the same way. When it speaks of the Egyptian beating the Hebrew slave, you have no choice but to imagine him turkey slapping the man. If anything, however, it makes Moses’ deadly intervention all the more justified.

#6. Judges 3:16-23 They say that history repeats itself, and this verse illustrates that clearly. Our hero Ehud came up with the idea of concealing a weapon by strapping it to his body several thousand years before John McClane did in Die Hard. Instead of strapping it to his back, Ehud chose to tie it to his thigh. One wonders why the royal guards didn’t comment when they frisked Elud and felt 18 inches of rigid steel in his pants. Maybe, they just assumed he was Egyptian. After bypassing the tight security, Ehud continues to act like a Bruce Willis character by busting out a snappy one liner: "I have a message from God for you," he declares shortly before whipping out his blade and shanking the evil, grotesquely obese King Eglon in the belly. Really, the only way to improve on this would be by shoehorning an awful pun into it, such as "You should really cut down on your fat intake!" or "Looks like being king takes guts!" As he leaves, Ehud shows he hasn’t forgotten his good manners by considerately shutting the door behind him. It doesn’t say if he went flying across rooftops Assassin’s Creed-style, so we’re forced to assume he did. As bad as the delivery of that particular message from God went for Eglon, he got off lucky. As you’ll see, God sometimes delivers the message himself. #5. Numbers 16:23, 31-33   The above happened years after Moses killed the Egyptian guy and led a country’s worth of Hebrews into the desert where they wandered aimlessly for several decades (as seen in The Ten Commandments). At some point, a troublemaker named Korah and 250 supporters banded together and aired a series of complaints about the fact that they were wandering aimlessly in the desert. God listened carefully to their complaints, weighed their points, then made the earth eat them alive. The text does not make it clear whether or not the earth made that "OM NOM NOM" sound, so scholars are forced to speculate. This really puts things in perspective for the anti-religion critics. They can complain all they want about religious "intolerance" and pushy evangelicals trying to censor TV and annoy people into conversion. But, that’s a hell of an improvement over the situation during the Exodus, when God would feed nonbelievers to the mighty Sarlacc. Two verses later, God sends down a ball of fire and incinerates the other 250 rebels. You have to imagine there was a moment of tentative relief when the 250 rebels saw that they had not been swallowed up along with Korah. "Yeah," they probably said. "Thank you! We were just about to bury that asshole ourselves! Fortunately, we all have learned the error of our rebellious ways and–hey, what’s that … AAARRRGGGHHH! FIRE!!" #4. Deuteronomy 25:11-12   This is a man’s law, right here. When Conan became king at the end of Conan the Destroyer, you can bet he made sure there was a rule just like this his first day in office. "Ladies, we respect your right to resolve disputes in whatever manner you feel necessary for the situation. But, DO NOT GRAB THE JUNK." The words in the Bible are actually those of God, speaking to the Hebrews and taking time to add the junk-grab rule into the supplemental commandments that didn’t make it into the original 10. This had to be right after God realized his plan for a male-dominated society had a fatal flaw, which is that the women could prevail in any conflict simply by grabbing the men’s junk. Now, you nervous, liberal types are complaining that this is barbaric and misogynistic. Perhaps, a little context helps. Just a couple of pages earlier, in Deuteronomy 23:1, we get this: "Emasculated by crushing?" Gah! Everything in the Bible has to be understood in context of the times these people were living in. And, apparently, these people lived in a time when "crushing" the nuts was so common that the crushed-nuts victims were an entire demographic that had to be accounted for in the law. Call these commandments savage if you want, but if you were God, how many nuts would you have to see "crushed" before you overreacted? We’re thinking the answer is two. Of course, if you’re not a believer and don’t think this "grab the nuts, lose a hand" commandment is from the almighty at all, then it becomes obvious what happened: The rule was handed down by some angry clergyman within the first minute or so of having his junk crushed. All perspective tends to go out the window at that moment.   #3. Quote from: 1 Kings 18:24,38-40   That is how they used to do religious debates back in the day. The situation was that people of Israel had taken to Baal worship, a faith that added a lot of whores to its rituals and thus gained immediate popularity. Elijah (not the one with the bears, that was Elisha) decided that the people had to choose between Baal and God. Rather than write a series of books or give a bunch of boring speeches, Elijah invited 450 Baal prophets to a contest, where both sides would set up an animal sacrifice. Whichever God could rain down fire on its sacrifice would be the one everybody worshiped. It’s brilliant in its simplicity, and we’re surprised religious debates were ever carried out any other way after that. You can raise all the intellectual challenges you want about faith and the origins of the universe, but at the end of the day, you have to worship the god who can set you on fire. It’s common sense. We like to think Elijah stood in front of the howling column of heavenly fire, straightened his robes, turned to the crowd and said, "Thus, my opponent’s argument falls." Then, he finished the debate in the way that all debates should be finished: by having the losers slaughtered. #2. Judges 15:15-16   Samson could have dominated this list if we had let him. He was a sort of biblical superhero, who could basically call down the powers of the Lord to turn himself into a hurricane of ass kicking. His whole story involves a feud with the Philistines, people who lived in part of what is now Israel and embraced the long tradition of going to war with the Jews. Or, specifically, the Philistines went to war against just Samson. And, they pretty much lost. On this particular day, the Philistines had burned Samson’s wife to death, and sent some men to capture him. Specifically, they sent 3,000 men. So, at that point, Samson either had the reputation as a world-class badass, or the Philistine army was the equivalent of those shitty battle droids from the Star Wars prequels that could only kill an enemy soldier by crushing him under a pile of their own corpses. Either way, they didn’t send enough. Samson tore apart the skull of a nearby dead donkey and grabbed one of these: … Then killed a thousand men with it. A thousand. What should be emphasized in this story was the bravery of the Philistine soldiers, specifically the ones in the back who kept charging even after seeing 700 or so of their comrades go down with shattered skulls. We’re talking about guys who probably climbed over a pile of bodies 15-feet high to get to him. If this story seems improbable, you can always claim mistranslation (for instance, in some versions of the story it’s 20 Philistines instead of a thousand). We like to think they merely made the mistake of confusing a donkey’s jawbone with that of a Tyrannosaurus Rex. Or, perhaps "donkey’s jawbone" was mistranslated from the original Hebrew word for "minigun." Runners up for this spot on the list included Josheb-Basshebeth, who according to 2 Samuel 23:8, "… raised his spear against eight hundred men, whom he killed in one encounter." Obviously he lost points for killing fewer men and for using an actual weapon to do it, which almost seems like cheating at this point. There was also Anath in Judges 3:31, who "struck down six hundred philistines with an oxgoad." An oxgoad is a sharp stick you used to poke oxen. That started the Israeli tradition of killing large numbers of their enemies with farmyard tools, which continued through Samson and onto modern times, where the Six Day War of 1967 was won by a crippled Israeli peasant wielding a watering can. Either way, the Philistines almost certainly remembered Samson as the worst thing that ever happened to them. #1. 1 Samuel 18:25-27   … until David came along. This passage raises several thousand questions. Just off the top of our head: What did Saul (the king at the time) want with 100 foreskins? Was he going to make a scarf? Did David think this was a strange request? If this was secretly a plan to have David killed, why didn’t he require he bring back, say, 100 bear foreskins? Did David just wander into Philistia and kill the first 200 men he saw? Did they think this was odd? Or, with all the other shit that went down back then, did they just shrug it off? How do you forcefully circumcise 200 men without violating the "Don’t grab the junk" commandment from earlier? Whose job was it to count the foreskins after David came back? Do they make a pair of tongs long enough for that task? We’re guessing we’ll never know. It doesn’t matter, because at its heart, this story is about love. For the hand of Micah, David went further than any man would have gone. Way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way, way further. Ladies, when a man finally proposes to you, ask him one simple question: "How many dongs would you mutilate for me?" If you demand a hundred and he doesn’t blink, he’s a keeper. But, if he’s David, who was sent after a hundred and then came back with twice that many just for the hell of it, well, you’ve got a love for the ages.

 By David Wong, Owen Ball  (Nov 28, 2007)

 http://www.cracked.com/article_15699_the-9-most-badass-bible-verses.html