Sexual lore can be GRIM ‘N CREEPY!

15 Jul
 
This is an article from The Toronto Sunday Sun, published on Sunday, February 13th, 2007 with the title of Sexual lore can be grim, slightly edited by none other than moi, whom I guess you could now consider the co-writing editor in chief here, hmpf.
 
Be especially leery of any oversexed porcupine, Thane Burnett cautions.
 
One day, your prince or princess will come (no sexual pun intended here, seriously). With that hanging over your head, my friend, it’s time you faced some grim facts about love.
 
 
It’s better he comes sooner than later… in this case, that is!  
 
I warn you, lust is not always pretty when laid so bare. Take, for instance, the (then) future wedding night of Britain’s Prince Charles and bride-to-be, Camilla Parker Bowles… are they even still married, I wonder? And if so, are they sleeping together? Tee hee hee!
 
During a steamy phone conversation, alle(d)gedly between the pair taped in 1989, a man identified as Charles tells his longtime lover, "Oh God, I’ll just live inside your trousers or something. It would be much easier."
 
She tells him she can’t go a minute without him.
 
And we tell ourselves to quickly stick sharpened chopsticks in our ears so we don’t have to listen to any more.
 
Charles and Camilla’s long courtship reminds us, there’s a backside (no pun intended) to that should stay hidden for decades, that some intimate details are just ugly.
 
Leading up to Valentine’s Day, we’ve been soaked in a steady chocolate fondue of cheery tidbits of romance  
 
Reminders, by often-divorced love experts, to leave lusty notes on the pillow and lip-stick kisses on the bathroom mirror. Bin there, done that! Snicker snicker!!!
 
But love in the real world is not always so tender. There are some makings of love that don’t quite read the way they do in fairy tales.
 
There are whole chapters — forgotten positions — that have best been ripped out from the spine. In the interest of reminding ourselves of a darker side of romance, I present a Valentine’s assortment of Everything You Didn’t Want To Be Reminded About Sex — And Should Be Afraid To Ask.
 
* (25) Sleeping Beauty, in one of the early versions of the fairy tale, was actually raped by the prince as she slept. He left before she awoke.
 
And in other news, police still have not identified seven children involved in a gang-style slaying of an old lady selling apples.
 
* (24) The word avocado is derived from an Aztec word meaning testicle.
 
Enjoy that guacamole dip.
 
* (23) Number of erections per day, for the average man — 11.
 
Number of times; per day, woman ask us what we’re thinking — 11.
 
* (22) The average woman will have four sex partners in life.
 
And lady, the guy across the table from you now — the man who will sit on a toilet later today and use the spent toilet-paper, cardboard centre as a telescope — is No. 4.
 
* (21) Sex uses up four to five calories a minute.
 
When it happens that quick, it’s difficult to be exact.
 
* (20) In Florida, you legally can’t have sex with a porcupine.
 
In West Virginia, you still can, but you have to marry it first.
 
* (19) Males, on average, think about sex every seven seconds.
 
* (18) Males, on average, think about sex every seven seconds. See, I was thinking about sex & lost track of which line I was on here!
 
* (17) At this very moment, 4,000 people around the world — according to coolnurse.com — are having sex.
 
Including your mom.  But not your dad.
 
* (16) Casanova claimed he made love to the same woman a dozen times in one day.
 
And she still nagged him about having socks on the floor.
 
* (15) According to sexpert.com, fish can perform fellatio.
 
On second thought, waiter, I’ll have the chicken. Just never ever say to the waiter, "Are you on the dessert tray?" or you will hear about it for months on end!
 
(14) Cupid was first designed as a naked young boy.
 
By a 40-year-old in ancient Greece, who lived with his mom.
 
* (13) In Nevada — according to law — you can’t have sex without a condom.
 
So says the Vegas hooker who’s now going through your wallet, looking for fifties.
 
* (12) A man’s penis not only shrinks in water, but also from nonsexual excitement, never mind being spyed on (at times by voyeurs)!
 
Like your wife’s surprise visit to your hotel (or your nether regions in the middle of the night, hmm) — as a Vegas hooker (or a naughty school teacher, whatever suits the occasion, I suppose) is going through your wallet, looking for fifties… am I repeating myself here again? Hmm
 
* (11) Condoms in the 1800s were made of rubber and reused (or so my grandmother once told me their practice was in the "old country")
 
And rotating them was a pain (never mind hanging them up on the clothesline, or so my Omi joked about to me)
 
* (10) In Harrisburg, Pa., you can be charged if you have sex with a trucker in a toll booth. So let’s effin’ hurry up & come before we get there, sheesh!
 
Because having sex with truckers is just wrong. Who knows?
 
* (9) In ancient times, those who committed bestiality were burned at the stake — along with the animal defiled.
 
Just how was it done? We say rare (haha).
 
* (8) An estimated 11% of pet owners give a Valentine to their pet, more often than not their "Valentino" (mmmm yummy).
 
To those people, please reread item 9 again.
 
* (7) Giraffes can be bi-sexual.
 
But ostriches are all clearly gay. You say?
 
* (6) In ancient Greece, woman would show off their vaginas at the shoreline, hoping to ward off ba(d) weather at sea, never mind those pesky vampires!
 
Ships still crashed on the rocks, but sailors didn’t seem to care.
 
* (5) Porpoises are into group sex. Alright! My kinda pets, for sure!!!
 
Billy, what’s Flipper trying to tell us? Hey! Don’t pick on him!!! I used to watch him day in & day out when I was a kid, seriously! No wonder I love to flip out, heh!
 
* (4) Cleopatra used camel’s dung as a diaphragm.
 
Don’t even ask what she used to brush her teeth.
 
* (3) Reportedly sold to an American urologist for thousands of dollars, Napoleon’s penis is still around. Was is really that slow like a turtle… (pun intended).
 
Think of it as having a boner part.
 
(* (2) The Kinsey Institute once claimed half of the men brought up on farms had a sexual encounter with an animal.
 
The number was only slightly lower for those raised on fish farms.
 
* (1) The Italian city where Shakespeare’s lovers Romeo and Juliet were from still gets 1,000 love letters written to Juliet every year.
 
And yet, you will still forget to buy your wife a car tomorrow, no doubt, let alone take her to her long-awaited driving exam. 
 
THIS WAS ALL IN GOOD  
 
CLEAN & HEALTHY FUN, OF COURSE
 
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