WHAT IT TAKES

15 Jun
 
People disrespect the ones they love because they’ve been getting away with it time & time again. They are like children who are never disciplined. If people aren’t set straight thru education & punished for their abusive behaviour, they end up believing that it’s the norm to take their frustrations out on people who have nothing to do with their problems by inflicting as much hurt & humiliation as they think they can possibly get away upon the people they claim to love, whether it’s physical, verbal, mental, emotional, sexual or financial.  In turn, their loved ones end up losing all respect for them. And so it goes (as Kurt Vonnegut Jr. used to say). Frankly, I’m tired of the same people abusing me & stepping over my boundary lines time & time again. Especially when the very next day they either play stupid & act like they didn’t do or say anything wrong or say they’re sorry & I end up forgiving them only to open myself up to further abuse.
 
A friend once told me to walk away from them or the abuse will only get worse. A combination of loneliness, naivety, vulnerability, financial troubles & having a good heart allowed me to have a change of heart each and every time I decided not to have anything more to do with abusive people. If you can’t even trust your own parent, never mind your partner, who can you really trust? This is what I’ve been thinking today. I’m very sad & was bawling my eyes out all afternoon because the BS just never ends. Something very unpleasant started again today on top of everything else! I was feeling so mixed up that I could not concentrate on what I was supposed to be working on & couldn’t even find an important piece of paper I was looking for. These are a couple of the devastating effects this is all having on me. A network friend’s caption line prompted me to write this blog today on the spur of the moment, right after I read it, knowing that my answer to her question would never fit into the note section of her profile page, now that WLS is only allowing us so many words, and you probably all know by now how long-winded I usually get. Thanks for prompting me to get this off my chest by writing this blog.
 
I’m posting something here now that really hits home. It was given to me by an abuse counsellor & therapist several years ago. I have slightly edited it in my own wording where I felt that it was being prejudicial against men in particular (for women can be just as abusive), along with adding some of my own thoughts, based upon my vast education & experience in being abused as well as having become an abuser myself just by either fighting back physically (after being provoked to that point) or by mimicking their socially unacceptable & criminal behaviour. And the reason I say criminal here is because it’s a crime they’ve committed that is permanently damaging & which is punishable by law.
 
 
FEAR IS THEIR GREATEST WEAPON
 
People who abuse others may display some or all of the following attitudes and actions:
 
They repeat behaviour they have LEARNED in their own family situation. A majority of people who abuse watched violence against their parent or were abused themselves as children.
 
They try to CONTROL by inducing fear with violence or threat of violence.
 
They try to ISOLATE their victims from their friends, family and anyone who might support or help them.
 
They display extreme JEALOUSY and will accuse their victims of cheating or wanting to cheat.
 
They may have a "JEKYLL AND HYDE" personality, one that changes suddenly from a quiet companion to a raging monster.
 
They DENY that they have hurt their victims and deny that they are responsible. They may seem to forget the abuse they’ve inflicted.
 
They may use VERBAL assaults in additon to physical attack.
 
They may fly into a rage WITHOUT PROVOCATION.
 
They may be more violent when their partner is pregnant or soon after she gives birth.
 
They will project this behaviour on to their partner. They will say the beatings and the abuse are their partner’s fault.
 
They cannot separate their own needs from the needs of their partner. If their partner expresses different needs, feelings, opinions or thoughts, the abuser punishes them for it.
 
They may try to convince their partner that he/she is "crazy".
 
They will express great remorse and sorrow after a violent incident and will make many promises to change.
 
They MAY have or have had other problems with the law.
 
They MAY even use the "Yesterday-Is-Over-&-Today’s-A-New-Day" Mentality (which I have coined it), whereby they will use this expression time & time again with their victims, after each & every time they abuse them, in order to convey the message that what happened yesterday can’t be changed but today you can start all over again, brand new. What abusers don’t understand is that today they will most likely begin to abuse again without even knowing it, thereby the vicious cycle continues, but only if you let it.
 
They will do whatever it takes to drive their partner away then whatever it takes to get them back again: take the children, cry, send flowers, apologize, promise things their partner wants to hear like "I’ll stop drinking"; "I’ll get counselling"; "I’ll go to church with you"; "I’ll never hit you again"; "I’m going to take you away for the weekend"; "I’m going to make it up to you"; "I went out of my way to get you something nice"; "I bought you some groceries to help you out"; "I’m going to take you out for lunch (or dinner)"… you catch the drift here. But as soon as you let them back in, I guarantee you that within 24 hours with them, you will begin to get warning signals & bells going off in your head that they are up to their old antics again.
 
 
And how do I know all of this, you might be asking yourselves? Because I’ve "bin there & done that" and I’m still living it & enduring it. I am permanently damaged, that I can say…
FEAR has been instilled upon me no matter how hard I try to be fearless, even though I used to be during the times in my life when I was living in a safe environment around happy, respectful & caring people who never (or very rarely) exhibited any of the above symptoms of an abusive person.
 
My question is this: WHAT DOES IT TAKE TO GET THEM TO STOP?
 
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One Response to “WHAT IT TAKES”

  1. Cinderella Story August 3, 2010 at 3:27 pm #

    IT TAKES A STRONG WOMAN & I see you fit the bill, you bird…never mind being rough (around the edges) or having your feathers ruffled.

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