Signs your relationship might be in trouble

13 Feb

This humorous Valentine’s Day blog was written by William Thomas, who was the guest speaker at the Haldimand-Norfolk Sweetheart Dinner for Literacy on Thursday, February 11, 2010. As far as I know he didn’t receive any black eyes for correcting people there (haha) & eat your heart out (wink). Hope you enjoy this as much as Idid, folks!


Human nature made sure that the saccharine celebration of Valentine’s Day with its sappy cards and corny poems would spawn a commercial counter culture. Anti-Valentine business is thriving like never before. Boutique jewelry stores will sell you a variety of barrettes, the clips and cufflinks with cute little affectionate names for your Valentine like ‘gold digger’, ‘home wrecker’ and ‘cheap bastard’. Okay, your ex-Valentine.


Quirky gift shops will make lover’s day unforgettable for your Valentine with such touches of endearment as dead flowers, boxes of melted chocolates and other gifts of sweet revenge like voodoo dolls and rhyming bad hair curses. Okay, make that the Valentine who got away because the vase missed him and hit the door sill instead.


I can’t even tell you about Bite Me Bobo or the Complete Bitch Kit.


Christine Gallagher’s book The Woman’s Book of Divorce: 101 Ways to Make Him Suffer Forever And Ever is quite popular this time of year. The author recommends clay hearts with stakes driven through them as gifts for ex-spouses. A toe tag from a local coroner’s office with your ex’s name on it is another popular Valentine’s Day present. Dark, dark humour, like the colour of her heart.


Now I don’t subscribe to the anti-Valentine Day movement. I’m a simple and moderately thoughtful, card and bottle of white, dinner and a movie kind of guy.


All I’m saying is you have to be careful with the forces of evil now invading Valentine’s Day. Here are a few signs that your relationship could be in trouble.


The red roses arrive at your office and as everyone gathers around, you notice the petals have been spray painted black.


Your last year’s gift of the book Getting Him to Commit is followed this year with another book, Getting Him Committed.


Although his intentions were romantic, his badly written poem ends with “and I love your zits as much as I love …” Never mind.


Your iPod is mysteriously playing a country and western song you definitely didn’t download – “if I Had Killed Her When I Wanted To, I’d be Out By Now.”


You thought she stopped caring until you received a sweatshirt in the mail that said: “Ex-husbands make great speed bumps.”


You know he was only trying to cheer you up with the text message, but still: “If I didn’t get caught, I’d eventually had gotten around to you. Happy Valentine’s Day, Tiger Woods.”


Initially you had high hopes for his Valentine’s Day plans, “Tonight let’s just cuddle up with a bottle of wine and watch what’s on the TV. Dust.”


So you responded with a post-it note on his beer fridge. “Felt the Valentine’s Day comment was below the belt, just like your stomach.”



You like the photo of him with the straw hat riding a sit-down lawnmower until you erad the caption: “I got this machine for my wife – what a trade!”


You understand the sentiment in his poem, but still … “They say St. Valentine gave up his life for his religion. So why don’t you give it up for me?”


Even if it’s true – “Honey, I bought you the sexiest black bra and panty outfit Victoria Secret ever sold. Unfortunately your brother beat you to it!” – it’s not funny.


You thought it was over forever, your romance trashed in a heap of ashes and then out of the blue, a plea from the heart: “Dear Raymond, today of all days, Valentines’ Day, can we forget about that whole arson thing?”


You thought it was purely a business relationship, then the Be My Valentine card arrived with a note: “Baby, please accept this Valentine as payment for my next lap dance.”


He really believed he was capturing the romance in your relationship when he gave you a six-pack of Lite beer and rented The St. Valentine’s Day Massacre.


You hadn’t seen him for years and then all of a sudden a card in the mail. “Hos do I loe thee? Let me count the alimony.”


Just when you thought the marriage was getting a tad tired, he surprises you with a dozen roses and a card you know he wrote himself. “Honey, it’s been ten years. Can we give this romance crap a rest?”


Your handmade card begins with “Pucker-Up Pookie”, mentions the word “Snugglebunny”, ends with “Your Little Pookette” and you really do take a spoon and gag yourself until you wretch on the kitchen floor.


For the first time ever, he used the “L” word in his Valentine poem to you… beside the word “golf”.


His Valentine invitation begins with “Roses are red” and quickly proceeds to “well fed” and “bed”. Your reply reminds him that you’re still “unwed” and ends politely with the words “so please drop dead”.


You know there’s strength in numbers and you appreciate the thought, but "I love you like John loves Jennifer, like Vince loved Jennifer, like Brad loved Jennifer, like Joey and Ross and Chandler loved Jennifer. And I’m not saying that just because your name is Jennifer.” Your name is Janice and even though it’s Valentine’s Day, you could just kill him.


Happy Valentine’s Day, everyone!


Love, Li’l ë




3 Responses to “Signs your relationship might be in trouble”

  1. Grandpa Dewey February 14, 2010 at 5:06 am #

    Sorry that I can\’t comment on this, but I will wish you a happy Valentine\’s Day

  2. Donna February 14, 2010 at 6:05 pm #

    This funny..I never got gifts like this but wanted to give them. hahha

  3. Unknown February 21, 2010 at 7:26 pm #

    Think about it… if love is so important, shouldn\’t we be expressing it every day, not just on the date when prices on jewelry, flowers, candy and restaurants all jump a gazillion-and-four percent? And why isn\’t there a day for single people, those without a significant other? A day when everything\’s half off, perhaps. :o) In my heart of hearts, I think Valentine\’s Day is just another money scam. I would choose to show the love of my life, the love and affection everyday (sometimes twice *wink wink* or even more).

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