I’m nothing but a Barbie doll…

28 May
 Have you ever felt this way about yourself?

I have referred to myself as a Barbie doll several times throughout my entire life, and I am still feeling this way, up until this very day, right at this very moment, as I am speaking to you. I can honestly say that in the 5 relationships I’ve had with men who I was "committed" to, either by marriage, co-habitating together, or by remaining monogamous to each other, that only 2 of them (that’s 40%) gave me complete freedom & never abused me. Having complete freedom in those 2 non-abusive relationships allowed me to soar & greatly succeed in all of my endeavours, along with being healthy, dignified & strong. If you’ve read any of my blogs regarding how terribly abused I was, in almost every single way imaginable, and especially during the past 15 years, you will understand where I am coming from. As a single woman living alone, I have to continually fight for my rights each & every day, and I feel that most of the time it’s pretty difficult to be taken seriously by both men & women, especially during the past 6 years since I was beaten & stabbed by one of my ex-husbands during a relationship that only lasted exactly 40 weeks (and ended the day I was almost murdered by him). Rarely have I been protected by anyone nor have I had people stand up for me when my rights have been violated. And if you read my story, 40 Weeks vs 40 Years, you will see that this man (who had a life-long history of abuse towards women, which I found out from reading his extensive police reports & hearing about it from the various women he was involved with) did not display any abusive characteristics toward me until the day we became married.
Here are a few examples of how cruel this world can be to a woman. A few years ago, a man who was dating my mother for many years fondled & groped me while I was sitting in his kitchen alone with him, and when I told my mother about it, she actually had the nerve to blame it on the way I was dressing, yet I was wearing non-revealing & baggy clothes that day! Even if I had been wearing provocative clothing, he did not have the right to lay a finger on me. Then in a job I had working as a receptionist-secretary for a highly reknown Italian family’s real estate office, I was cornered & fondled by one of their Asian top-producers, and when I reported the incident to my boss (a woman), she did absolutely nothing about it. I ended up getting fired a few weeks later & was told that I was being let go for making several mistakes, including misplacing things & making typographical errors. I asked her why I was never told about these mistakes before & why I wasn’t even given a warning. She had no answers for me, other than to say that she would give me a good recommendation. I knew enough that her reasons for letting me go were just cockamamy excuses, for I was hired by her based on my excellent typing skills & organizational abilities. Then, while I was working for a Sicilian-owned company, the most popular cab company in Hamilton, as a call-taker & data-entry operator, I was attacked by one of their Turkish cab drivers, on the evening of Mother’s Day. I had been making my way home by way of foot, after visiting my mother directly after finishing a 10-hour gruelling shift, and it began to rain. Spotting a cab driver waiting for his next call in a shopping mall’s empty parking lot, I walked over to him & asked if he could drive me a short way to the bus stop. I was wearing a gold wedding band, which I often wore (up until the time it was stolen from me by a young woman with a bad coke habit), in an effort to make people think I was married & thereby prevent them from coming on to me, but this guy didn’t give 2 shits about my marital status, even though I mentioned it to him & flashed him my  wedding-band clad finger, after he began to make verbal suggestions to me, shortly after getting into his car, by saying that he wanted to hang out with me, get to know me & go for a coffee or a date somewhere discrete. I began to feel very uneasy when he began to drive in another direction, away from the bus stop where I wanted to be dropped off. He knew I only had about $10 on me, and by now the cab fare had increased to well beyond that. He then offered to drive me home, for free, so I agreed. Even though he knew that I worked for his boss, he still had the nerve to demand the full amount of the trip from me when we arrived in front of my house. I was very frightened, so I threw my $10 at him, even though he originally said it would only cost me $6 to get to the bus stop he was supposed to drive me to in the first place. Then he grabbed me & tried to fondle me. I grabbed the car’s door-handle, opened it, jumped out & practically flew down the street & into the corner store, excitedly telling the owner what had happened to me. After a few minutes, when the coast was clear & the cab driver appeared to be gone, I walked home & then reported the incident to my boss. Nothing happened to the driver – he was not reprimanded in any way whatsoever, nor did my boss or supervisor follow up on it with me. Throughout the following weeks, my female supervisor & female co-workers began to pick on me & chastise me for each & every thing they could think of, even though I was performing my duties far beyond their requirements & I was overqualified for the job to begin with. I finally decided to resign from my position, to protect my own health & well-being, and felt that it wasn’t worth having to put up with this type of abuse, while only getting paid minimum wage. And there’s another thing I’d like to bring to light here, which you may not know about me already, and that is up until the time I began to be physically abused by a man, I had been working full time for 13 years, at the same company, where I worked myself up from a starting wage of just over $9 per hour to a wage of almost $20 per hour. Prior to that, I had been gainfully employed full time since the age of 16, along with having worked part time since the age of 14, when I first received my social insurance number. Not only did I work for employers, but I also pursued my own business ventures which included making crafts of my own invention & selling them (under my own business name), being a landlord for my own rental property, and owning & operating a laundromat/drycleaning business (using collateral money that I earned & saved as RSP’s since I first began to work when I was a teenager).
And just when you thought it couldn’t get any worse for me, here are a couple more examples of how a woman can be treated like a Barbie doll, and these concern being abused & afraid to speak about it. A few years ago, I attended my (ex)best-friend’s wedding & while I was sitting at my table with some of her family (including her mother, brother & nephew), the groom’s brother-in-law (who was with his wife & who I hardly knew) reached over from the table beside us & tweaked (or "pinched", if you don’t know what tweaked means) my nipple! I was completely shocked & in pain for at least an hour, as he had pinched it extremely hard. I’m sure all you women out there know all about our nipples having the ability to withstand a lot of discomfort, especially from babies, so you can imagine what I’m trying to say here. After he did this, I was afraid to tell anyone about it, nor did I retaliate in any way, for I didn’t want to cause any trouble for the family, make a spectacle of myself at the wedding & ruin anything for the couple (who more or less are no longer my friends as they used to be years ago, for they choose to believe that I am "loony as a mad hatter", am only "crying wolf" & am "nothing but trouble").
Now here is the real kicker, the one that caused my other best girlfriend to kick the bucket & take her own life at the age of 30, by swallowing a bottle of sleeping pills after carefully planning her suicide for several weeks, because she was afraid to tell anyone about how she was abused as a young child. About a week before she took her own life, she informed me that when she was a young girl under the age of 10, her next-door neighbour, who everyone considered to be as close as an uncle, sexually abused her (and I’m going to spare you the horrid details). She was afraid to tell anyone about it, thinking that no one would believe her & that no one would ever believe this guy would be capable of doing such evil things. This poor woman carried that secret around with her throughout her life, and not until she began to see a psychiatrist, who brought out all of the horrible memories she had so carefully stored away, & also prescribed her the sleeping pills, did she tell a soul about these unspeakable events that led to her demise.
These are only a few examples of some of the unjust & immoral ways women get treated in this society, both as "single" & "married" women. And if you’ve been thinking this whole time that Li’l e has it made in the shade because she’s not only attractive & has a nice body but is gifted with talent & intellect as well, you’d better think twice, for I have been picked on & poked like a wild animal in a cage by both men & women alike throughout my life, including my very own mother, because of these so-called admirable & enviable characteristics & features of mine. I also realize that even though a woman who doesn’t possess all of these qualities can be an easy target for abuse. It really doesn’t matter how you look like or how smart you are. Just being a woman alone can make you a "sitting duck".
On the other side of the coin, during a 12-year relationship & monogamous marriage I had with a non-abusive man who also gave me complete freedom, I cannot remember hardly anything ever happening to me in the way that I have just described to you above. The reason why I feel that my life was more or less free of abuse during that time is mainly because I had a man beside me – to protect me, to honour me & to defend me, all the way around. Therefore, I’m assuming that people knew enough not to bother trying to mess with me. It really doesn’t matter if you are rich or poor either – no one is exempt from abuse. And because of all these things I am telling you, I now can only completely trust a person or the persons in my life who have consistently shown their utmost respect towards women & have allowed them their rightful freedoms. Enough said!

One Response to “I’m nothing but a Barbie doll…”

  1. Elektra Magduhlana Marie October 26, 2010 at 5:20 pm #

    WAKE UP! It\’s time to FIGHT FOR YOUR RIGHTFUL FREEDOMS! (8) There really is a pot of gold at the end of the (r) ~ you just need to persevere & have patience.NEVER GIVE UP THE FIGHT FOR YOUR RIGHTS 😀

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